Women & Power - Book Proposal
The Power of a Woman
Moves to Make and Rules to Break
for
Women Who Want to Change the World
If women are so smart – why aren’t we in charge? We got the vote. We pulled down barriers to entry in universities, corporations, churches, even the military. We have outlawed sexual harassment and refused to allow juries to blame women for crimes like rape and spousal abuse. In the United States, women control more than half of the wealth. We outnumber men, and yet we still hold less than 5% of the truly powerful positions in governments and businesses. What’s up with that?
There is a disturbing gap between a woman’s desire to “do something” and her ability to “get something done.” Too many women feel powerless in today’s world. For women who want to influence our most important concerns like education, environmental protection, world peace, corporate greed and other social issues we need a new answer to the old question: Why aren’t more women in power?
Discrimination is only part of the answer. “They won’t let us” is a conspiracy theory that keeps women in victim mode. The real reasons women are not in positions of power have as much to do with women as they have to do with men. The Power of a Women brings together a savvy reading of corporate cultures, interviews with hundreds of women, and the latest findings on how men and women think to reveal three female-style perceptual filters that encourage women to opt out, back off, and doubt themselves when faced with a battle for power. This book reveals these previously invisible deterrents so women can begin to choose for ourselves whether we graciously defer or graciously demand the power we deserve.
• In-depth interviews indicate that women tend to define power as an internal “feeling” summed up as, “no one tells me what to do.” Women who begin to rise in any hierarchical system quickly realize the price of “power” costs dearly in terms of personal autonomy. Males are happier with the trade-off as they tend to use external definitions of power measured by money or control over resources.
• Regardless of talk about merit, power is more often awarded to those who are willing to fight for it. And more often than not, in a fight for power women back off before men do. Men’s nostrils flare at the prospect of the battle, while women think it is silly. Women’s physical and intellectual natures and their social conditioning conspire to make fighting look ridiculous while the same factors drive men to live for these moments of triumph.
• Men and women’s brains are different enough in structure and chemistry to ”see” different details as relevant, thus creating different conclusions about necessary action. Women’s perceptual range is more horizontal and includes more details about emotions and the lateral (relational) impact of actions. Men tend to scan vertically, and concentrate on measurable impacts. Since measurable impacts are more easily communicated to large groups and more easily verified, women’s subjective observations are treated as less valuable. The real crime is that women buy into this value system and discount what they “see”, shut down entire parts of themselves, or live with internal conflicts that leave them exhausted and feeling like they live two lives.
Each of these observations offers women new perspectives on power that are simultaneously “blame free” and empowering. Women readers who want to feel more powerful will experience renewed trust in their own judgment, re-interpret the roles men play in their self-perception, and discover new strategies to get the power they want in this world. Like a mirror before each major concept, a fable or myth of universal theme is presented to spontaneously awaken a reader’s “this is my story” experience. Stories throughout the book continue to weave personal experience, research, and novel interpretations into a new more meaningful and more hopeful perspective for any woman who wants more power in the world.
Target Market: The post-menopausal pulse of a higher testosterone to estrogen ratio runs through the veins of millions of women with basic training in consciousness-raising from the 1960s and 1970s. Children and “keep your head down” career strategies sidetracked many of them for a few decades but they’re back and ready to kick butt. This book draws on interviews and the latest neurological findings on gender differences to re-examine how different definitions of power, and different thinking routines have kept women from trusting their own judgment and thus kept them from wielding more power in business, politics, personal relationships, family dynamics, and social organizations.
As these women consider the future, they are rejecting what they “should” want and asking for what they really want. This book validates a uniquely female definition of power, shows when/how/where we learned to doubt our own judgment and when/how/where to reclaim and protect our vulnerable self-confidence and self-trust. Because nothing is more powerful than a woman who trusts her own judgment.
Women and Power:
Moves to Make and Rules to Break
for
Women Who Want to Change the World
INTRODUCTION:
I know I am a powerful woman and yet I have no idea what that means. I also know that I’m scared to death of being powerful at the same time I want power. I notice that I don’t seem to want power for the same reasons most men do. And after years of trying to understand my own relationship with power, conversations with other women prove I am not alone. Many women are plagued by a love/hate relationship with power that doesn’t seem to bother men. Having had so little experience with true power in the past, the last few decades have turned up some unexpected issues women didn’t anticipate when we first began to demand “equality.” We used to believe we didn’t have power because men kept us from power – but now we realize there is something else going on. This book examines the uniquely female complications that hamper women’s pursuit of power, our use of power, and our willingness to keep power in today’s social and organizational systems.
Chapter One: What a Woman Really Wants….
Lady Ragnelle an English Folk Tale that asks the question “What is it that women want most?
One of the more interesting aspects of Lady Ragnelle’s story is that when Arthur asks the women, “what is it you want most?” they disagreed. This confusion permeates how women think about power. Reject everything you’ve been told you should want and zero in on what feels powerful to you. You may be surprised to discover that what feels powerful, as a woman, is different than what you have learned that power “is.” Many women I interviewed, who rated themselves 8 to 10 on a scale of personal power told me: “I feel powerful when I am:
“I am in charge of my own life and no one tells me what to do.”
“I see others flourish because of my efforts.”
“I take care of myself and I ask for what I want”
“I can influence decisions I care about and people listen to what I have to say.”
“I am true to myself without compromise even when I am alone in my opinions.”
The answer to Arthur’s question, “What do women want most?” also answers some of our questions about power. What a woman wants most is to govern her own life. Yet, hierarchical organizations offer governance over resources, people, decision-making, and information, at a price too dear for most women. Externally oriented political and organizational power is offered in trade for hidden levels of obedience – to a boss, to a board, or to the old boys club. For many men externally measured criteria of power dwarf these internal feeling measures so important to women. Any woman plagued by a desire for internal “felt” power as well as hierarchical power will find the conflict stressful at best, and at worst, simply not worth the price. The personal freedom sacrificed in order to wield organizational or political power may not be as onerous to men because it literally doesn’t FEEL like a sacrifice (as we’ll see for a number of reasons in the next chapter). In the same circumstances men and women probably experience different answers to the question: Do I feel powerful? When a woman’s answer is no – she walks.
Part Two: In the Land of the Blind, Woman Burn (or Stay Silent)
Chapter Three: Cassandra’s Curse of Foresight
Ancient myths often spotlight important and enduring differences between women and men. These pre-politically correct stories describe experiences so common to human experience that we can still find our daily struggles reflected in the comedy and tragedy they describe. The myth of Cassandra, in particular, speaks of one woman’s frustration of having something important to say when no one was listening. Cassandra was the beautiful daughter of Priam, King of Troy, and his wife Hecuba. She and her twin sister were taken to Apollo’s temple immediately after their birth, where pious Priam laid the babies at Apollo’s feet to be blessed. Two serpents appeared, touching their serpent tongues to the babies’ eyes, ears and mouths, blessing them with Apollo’s gift of prophecy. Years later Apollo taught Cassandra how to use her gift of foresight, in a ploy to sleep with her. Cassandra refused him, and in retaliation Apollo altered her gift: she could still see the future, but no one would believe her. As the Trojan War heated up, Cassandra warned of the doom of Troy. But her father shut her away to shut her up and the war waged on. In a trap laid by the Greeks, the young warrior Achilles, disguised as a women by his mother, was pressed into service, when he betrayed his male nature by choosing weapons, while the women around him chose jewels. Though Cassandra renewed her attempts to save her family and city by screaming warnings against the Greek gift of the Trojan horse – still no one believed her. They opened their doors to the horse and the soldiers who were hiding inside. That night all the men of Troy were killed. The women were raped and tortured. Cassandra herself was taken captive by a Greek general, and was later killed by his jealous wife.
(Greek Myth)
Chapter Four: What Women See That Men Don’t
Cassandra saw a future that the men around her did not see. While some might say did not WANT to see, new findings suggest a less malicious explanation. Men tend to evaluate a situation via vertical impacts (will status, profit, resources go up or down as a result?) whereas women see horizontal impacts (quality of space, time, emotional relationships altered?). Women can’t help scanning horizontally for lateral effects, often identifying unintended consequences hidden inside complex interdependencies. The female-like brain zeros in on these indirect connections like fluorescent billboard signs. However when women try to warn men of the potential downsides of their “brilliant” strategies, men look in the direction women point, and see….nothing. They conclude we are troublemakers imagining things. And like Cassandra’s father, men naturally want to silence or marginalize troublemakers.
Like Achilles, who reached for weapons while the real women reached for jewels, men and women have always been motivated by different things. Now, scientific studies provide some evidence why this is so. Important distinctions between male-like and the female-like brains yield important differences in interpretation of internal and external data. Specializations between certain parts of the brain make for different processing styles. Differences in the reticular activating system, cerebral cortex, inferior parietal lobe, and hormonal levels create different sensory selection, interpretation and perceptual experiences for male and female-like brains. At a much deeper level than we ever imagined, men truly have no idea – sometimes literally “can’t see” - why women do what we do and how we come to our conclusions on important issues: money, time, work, allocation of resources, distribution of rewards, lifestyle and values. Men often conclude with conviction: if I don’t know what she is doing – she must not know what she is doing. Women either stop trying to explain themselves or learn to think like men (denying core aspects of themselves and their internal judgments). Some men marginalize women while others discover early that if they can make a woman stop trusting her judgment she is no longer troublesome.
Part Three: The Trouble with Being a Woman
Chapter Five: The Difference Between Power and Death
The animals of the jungle agreed to have a contest to see who was the most powerful among them. On the chosen day, they gathered and took turns demonstrating their special powers. The monkey had the power to swing through the trees and go many places. She could move quickly and see long distances. All of the animals applauded her power. But the eagle had the power to fly. He demonstrated that he could see much further than the monkey and knew of lakes, mountains and trees the monkey had never seen. The other animals nodded; yes, the eagle was more powerful than the monkey. The lion was next. She could roar and the entire jungle heard and listened to her. Her roar filled the jungle with awe. All of the animals agreed, the roar of the lion did indeed make her more powerful than the monkey or the eagle. Next it was the human’s turn. When the man stepped forward, he showed the animals his gun and they were silent. He raised his gun and pulled the trigger three times, shooting the monkey, the eagle and the lion. The other animals ran away in terror. They never again trusted man, who did not understand the difference between power and death. (African Folk Tale)
Chapter Six: Mindless Deferral
Contests for power activate radically different responses in men and women. Like the animals in this story, women are often horrified by what men consider a simple power struggle. At work, at home, and in public life power is often distributed by progressive moments of truth where battles for power produce a winner and a loser. More often than not, women are not willing to fight as ruthlessly as men. These power struggles force men and women to make difficult choices. Some of these choices -- personal power vs. common good, integrity vs. profit, relationships vs. autonomy – activate different emotional software in men and women. Women “see” different consequences than men. It is almost as if women can’t not see the emotional dynamics at play, can’t not remember previous emotional experiences, and are flooded with scenarios and potential consequences that inhibit aggressive decisions that exert power. For men, a unique ability to ignore, deny, or more likely, to not see/experience these issues, allows them to focus undistracted on what their hardware was designed to do: win. And women let them.
Faced with someone who wants to win more than we do and who feels less conflicted by hidden undercurrents of emotional conflict…we back off. Over and over again we decide fighting for power is simply not worth it. Worse than backing off, we build resentments about backing off. The resentments turn dark and angry so that by the time we finally do speak up, our words are automatically discredited by our own anger or the resentments of other women who feel abandoned. The stories in this chapter will demonstrate how this happens and the consequences.
I didn’t speak up because I knew they wouldn’t like what I had to say.
I had been CEO for two years, but the chairman of the board would often second-guess my decisions. While I was away on a trip, I found out a major decision had been reversed but I just let it ride. I was tired of fighting. What I didn’t realize is that his second-guessing was paralyzing the senior team because they didn’t know whom to believe. If I could do it over again, I’d fight like cats and dogs to ensure this guy backed off and stopped playing games. It cost us way too much in terms of inaction and indecision down the line.
I didn’t want to be “THAT kind of woman”
The disagreements between management and union were going from bad to worse. In the beginning I stood up for my peers. And they let me. I would be the only one at the meeting who would say “NO, this is wrong.” But eventually, I gave in. I stopped speaking up for collaboration and let the people in the union who wanted to escalate the conflict, win. Why? I felt like I was getting labeled as a troublemaker. I didn’t want to be known as the kind of woman who won’t stay in her place- who was “loud” or harpy. It wasn’t worth it. Later I found out that my staff felt I had betrayed them and abandoned them. That was so unfair but on the other hand I don’t think they realized how much it was costing me emotionally to fight like that.
I let anger derail my intention and diminish my credibility
For several meetings I watched this women derail the conversation, belittle my comments, and railroad her agenda through the board. This was a volunteer group and I guess I was trying to “behave” myself. When I finally did speak up I had gotten so angry I just made things worse. When I have something eating away at me I’m not focused. Negativity and anxiety take over and it doesn’t take much to set me off or get me distracted. Frankly I had let the anger distract me from really paying attention for several meetings. I had kept quiet with the best of intentions, but ultimately I let myself get so angry by trying to stay silent – I lost my chance to influence the group.
My job deteriorated into a women/women conflict.
I was a contract employee brought in to consult with an administration department that was all female. My contract required me to work a certain numbers of hours. It did not specify when I should work those hours. However to the other women in the office, it looked like I came and went as I pleased. The full time women in the department began to complain, “we want a job like that.” There was tension. I could sense the conversations that were going on behind my back. They complained about me not to me. Things got catty. The department head formally reprimanded me – which was ridiculous because it wasn’t in my contract – but I sat there and took it. I was hurt. As immature as it may sound, they were being mean to me and I just wanted them to like me again. Women can operate on the dynamic: “Fail and get support. Rise and you are a bitch.”
I quit.
The new CEO set about destroying our culture. I knew it was wrong “to put the best and brightest in a box and make them ask you for a hall pass to pee or force them to make so many calls per week. It struck me as the height of lack of recognition. I would voice concerns but he would over-ride me again and again. It was as if I wanted to be heard I had to match his overtly aggressive style. My collaborative style looked weak to him. It was just a big ego battle. I didn’t fight it. I resigned. I am so sorry I did that. He destroyed the company. All of the really bright people left and he has surrounded himself with yes-men. I’m sorry I let that happen. I’d rather have taken him on and lost than just quit.
When forced to choose between power and relationships I choose relationships
Being married is difficult enough. There are some issues that are just more important to him than they are to me. My husband wanted to move back to the United States. We both worked for the same company. My job was going great but he wasn’t doing so well. He said he wanted to move because he didn’t like Europe and he wanted us to start our family, but I don’t think that was the real issue. I didn’t call him on it because I loved him and I’m conflict averse. He just would have gotten angry, and it wouldn’t have done us any good. We moved back. I have three kids and sometimes I wonder who I could’ve been and what I could’ve achieved. I don’t think I did him any favors either. I think deep down he’s ashamed.
I cease to exist in deference to anyone I think is smarter.
I think deep inside I’m hoping someone will come along and take care of things, make the hard decisions about big issues. I’m never quite sure I’m doing the right thing and I’m always on the lookout for the magic person who understands what is going on. Our new manager was so smart I immediately got quiet. I was deferring to her as if I had lost every brain cell in my body. It took a long time to realize I was just as smart as she was – AND my deference was driving her nuts.
I lionize men.
When a workman is in my house I automatically assume he knows more than me, I don’t ask questions I think a man would ask. I just accept his terms. I don’t comparison shop. There is a part of me that turns 12 years old around men. I have paid too much and I have ended up without getting what I wanted because I didn’t demand that he explain things I didn’t understand and listen to what I wanted to have rather than what he wanted to provide.
I let someone else define me.
I kick myself for the times I didn’t go with my intuition or my first hunches. Usually, it’s the ones that sounded stupid and that I was ridiculed for that turned out to be true. I have sat in so many meetings, had a thought, decided it was stupid and then ten minutes later watched someone else say the exact same thing and get treated like a genius.
I Chose to Take Care of my Kids
I was a single parent and I needed money. The man I was working for was harassing me. I knew there were laws…but how could I be sure I would win? I didn’t fight. Being a mother diminishes your power outside the home. Conflicting demands fragment you. If the conflict threatens my ability to care for my kids – I give in. Sometimes I wonder if that’s the right thing to do.
When we recognize old habits of deferral, we open up new opportunities to be more powerful. But when you change the habit of deferral, you need new strategies, which we’ll look at in the following chapter.
Part Four: The Beauty of Being a Woman
Chapter Seven: Maria and Alex: Happily Ever After
Once upon a time, there was a warrior princess named Maria. Because she was his only child, her father had trained her well to rule their kingdom and to protect the kingdom if necessary. But he was sad when she could not find a husband. Then one day, a prince named Alex disguised himself as a soldier in her army to win her heart. Maria fell in love with Alex and they were married. One year later, after her father had died, Maria was called to battle and left Alex to rule with only one request: not to go into the east tower. Before even three days had gone by, Alex went into the tower, where a wizard imprisoned there tricked him and escaped. The wizard then captured Maria, and after three days of self-condemnation Alex took action and found her in the wizard’s castle. Maria explained they could never escape the wizard because he rode a horse that ran faster than the wind. Alex wanted to try anyway, but the wizard soon caught up with them. They were captured, but Alex escaped. Maria then appealed to the wizard’s ego and tricked him into revealing where he got his horse. Alex followed Maria’s instructions, got a horse as fast as the wizard’s and rescued Maria. But since the wizard’s horse was just as fast, he soon caught up to them again. Finally, Alex’s horse convinced the wizard’s horse to throw his evil master and join Maria and Alex. They returned to the kingdom on their new horses and ruled for many happy years. (Russian Folk Tale)
Chapter Eight: Being Powerful Anyway
Maria, being the only daughter of a king, faced problems an only son would not have faced. Displaying traditionally masculine behaviors to earn credibility as a leader simultaneously risks appearing “unfeminine.” The social norm for women to marry “up” makes finding a husband very difficult. Not to mention internal conflicts any woman would feel inside a system of laws and government designed by males. But she used her feminine gifts rather than bemoaning her disadvantages. Maybe it is more difficult for a woman to gain economic and political power – big deal. Let’s stop whining about it and appreciate what we have that men don’t have. Being a woman is an incredible gift – the ability to literally give life, to nurture without reserve, to find joy in emotional terrain many men can’t even see. Powerful women will tend to find it more difficult to find a romantic partner. Your decisions will be questioned and overturned more often than men’s decisions. Your lone voice will articulate consequences men don’t see. This price has kept many women from holding positions of power. If you choose to be powerful anyway, what will happen? This chapter will include stories of women who “went for it,” broke the rules and are happy they did.
I asked for the Biggest and the Best
Given a job with no resources to market a service that had been given away for free, I asked people to pay for it. And they did! Only one group responded with my worst fears of rejection. I walked into twelve boardrooms shaking less and less each time as they rallied around my radical new ideas and offered support. The one group that treated me like I was an idiot – which is how I expected all of them to respond – was thankfully the last one I contacted. We changed the industry and even that last group came around in the end.
I slowed things down and demanded time to think without fear of being labeled “slow.”
The board valued snappy answers and quick decisions but I kept on thinking slow and wide. After a year of keeping quiet I realized my perspectives could have avoided a lot of negative consequences of too snappy decisions. I asked for and created a change in the agenda that slowed the process and allowed more thoughtful decisions.
I refused to be humiliated
I was so proud to accompany my boss’s boss to the conference. I wasn’t sure what I’d be doing but the conference was on diversity and as a woman of color I was glad to go. I kept asking about my role and was told I was there as support. Basically I turned the lights off and on during her presentations. It didn’t take long to realize I was there as a token. After the first flush of humiliation and anger, I ignored the slight. I participated fully in all the break out sessions and established a network of contacts that sustain me to this day.
I boldly disagreed with the power brokers.
The big guys were terrified that calcium would ruin the flavor of our cereal products. They didn’t want to make such a risky decision without “proof.” We provided research reports, answered their questions, and endured endless waffling. No matter what we gave them it was never enough. I even cried after one meeting. No one trusted our department to make this decision. But we were right and we proved it. Now they act like they were supporting it all along.
I reached out and helped someone like me.
I started a childcare program at my company. I looked around and decided I wanted to “do something.” My regular job was endless frustration and I knew that I wasn’t getting enough gratification from just doing my job. . I took my plan for a childcare center to the CEO. He looked at it for three minutes and said, “This is a no-brainer. Do it.” I’m still in my regular job but the work that really swells my chest with pride is that childcare is easy and affordable and I’ve improved hundreds of lives.
I created a place where people feel respected and secure.
My team was supposed to deliver a new re-organization design in our academic department. We were getting bogged down in “can’t do that” conversations. We decided to dream. We were going over the top and bucking all sorts of conventional assumptions. At the presentation we actually walked in with signs around our necks that read, “Damn, We’re Good.” Everyone laughed and I think the levity helped the group feel more open to our radical ideas.
I stopped trying to be something I’m not.
My boss kept re-writing my reports and presentations. For a long time I tried to use his re-writes as training on what my reports should look like. But somewhere along the way – I realized, that’s not me, that’s not what I wanted to say. And I started to write my own reports. Now, I am very clear on who “owns” this voice. I own my voice. My voice cannot be bought by intimidation, merit review, or some white boy who has no clue what I’m talking about. This is my voice.
I got out of a relationship that was killing me.
I was in a bad marriage. He hated his job and took it out on me. I couldn’t even have a car. My needs were never as important as his. I was embarrassed to speak about it with my family or my friends. I wanted them to think I had it all together and I had a good marriage. It took a while, but I left. I got a job. I bought a car and I left. My children are now much more secure now that I can provide for them myself.
I showed up uninvited.
Growing up black in apartheid, I got my education at the most prestigious university in South Africa. I studied law and the students around me. I wanted to know how a system could do what this system was doing. I interacted with those who were afraid of me. When they interact with you and see how you respond, it blows their minds. Now I’m in the United States and I find that there are just as many prejudices – just better hidden. I break rules here too. I attend meetings I wasn’t invited to. I call people on the phone no matter who they are. My interactions with them force them to re-evaluate who they thought I was.
I Educated Myself
I’m Native American and I was almost 50 when I found my power. I had been sexually harassed for years. Something snapped and I decided to sue. It was horrific. I was ostracized. There were times I didn’t have any money. But I won. With the settlement, I went back to school at 49 and studied justice, culture and women’s studies. I have more power than I ever dreamed of having back when my supervisor used to feel me up. That will never happen again. Now that I am educated, I will never be abused again.
I Rejected the Expert Model
Workshops at the United Nations were traditionally a panel of four experts talking at an audience. We began using small group interactions that mixed everyone up – people love it. In the beginning they didn’t want to call it a conference – the model was in addition to the expert panel – not a replacement. Now I see lots of people using that format.
As women jettison the double dose of self-doubt caused by being a woman in a man’s world, we gradually use our power to re-design the “man’s world” into something that suits us. Women are building new “worlds” where we live and work that blend female and male values and practices in one place. As these pockets grow and connect into larger and larger “worlds” we may eventually overtake the “man’s world.” Women-owned businesses, expanding nonprofits (higher ratios of women executives), flattened hierarchies, declining power of formal status, and dramatically increased horizontal communication all contribute to an emergent world order where women will no longer be outsiders but primary players at a global level.
Part Five: When Women Rule the World
Chapter Nine: A Woman’s Path to Lead
The Hopi Indian chief was touring to speak for peace among the warring tribes. Arguments about jurisdiction over the casinos threatened to erupt into costly legal battles and vicious back-stabbing. He stood before his audience and took out a small bag with grains of corn, and other talismans sacred to the Hopi. After a beginning ritual, he told a short story: “Long ago woman traveled behind the man. It was the way. Then came a time when man and woman traveled side by side as partners. It has been good to travel as partners. But the time is coming where woman must walk in front and lead the way.” The old chief let his words penetrate the minds and hearts. It was not what they expected him to say.
As told by Cheryl De Ciantis
Chapter Ten: The Secret to Feeling Powerful is Action
Many women say, “We need more women in power.” They implicitly mean, other women, not me. The fantasy that for some women power is not a sacrifice – keeps us waiting, inactive, and divided. As long as we wait for other women to fight for power we fail. However, if we each take actions that feel powerful, we will prevail. When you decide to trust what you “know” and act on it – you automatically feel more powerful regardless of the outcome. You reclaim your life and the power to act – which ultimately is the only satisfying power we can ever know.
Perhaps of more importance, the world needs your power. If we are to end war, decrease the destruction of the environment and tend to those in need, women will be the ones that lead the charge. If men knew how to do it, they would have done it by now. The world needs women’s wisdom. This chapter outlines strategies from women who are on the front lines learning the practical aspects of being powerful in meaningful ways. These strategies answer the question, “In order to be more powerful, what do I need to do today, tomorrow, this week?”
Decide what is important to you.
Stop looking for external confirmation from men. Look inside and discover what you believe in. Look into the face of the child you love most in the world and decide what you need to do to care for this child’s future.
Don’t get blindsided by the sacrifice required.
Power demands sacrifices. If you want a position of power in a male dominated hierarchy you are in for a fight. Power is rarely relinquished in these systems. Don’t assume you are doing something wrong. Trust your instincts.
Stop being a victim.
Be powerful in all that you do, without fear of being called a bitch. Take care of yourself and help your friends do the same. In conversations when the talk turns to the painful –ask your women friends, “SO what are YOU going to do about it?”
Educate girls to value themselves.
Be a mentor to a younger woman. Mentoring someone else is MORE powerful than finding a mentor for yourself.
Blast the hell out of male relatives/friends that are doing stupid things
Have meaningful conversations with men you know personally. If you don’t like the way a man is using his power, influence him. Raise boys that know how to be suitable partners for strong women. Help men see they are being short-changed too.
Speak up
If you are angry about something say it out loud. Become a political activist. Claim your voice. Pick your battles but speak your piece. Staying silent wreaks havoc on your health.
Stop acting like a man
Root out male characteristics you may have adopted in order to succeed. Understand our current culture under-rates kindness as a value. Use power-with and horizontal orientation as much as power-over, status orientation.
Create a girl gang as a support group
Find a support group than will regularly affirm your perceptions. Start building alliances instead of seeing other women as competition (it is okay to feel competitive but you don’t have to act that way.) Stay connected.
Stop Hating your Body
Make peace with a body image that is not dependent on male validation. Self hate and neurotic dieting is a terrible distraction from being a powerful woman.
Part Six: Let’s Have Some Fun Out There
Chapter Eleven: Eating Fire
Professional storyteller, Elizabeth Ellis was teaching storytelling at a women’s retreat. The middle-aged women gathered there were conservative, Christian, and community oriented. They wanted to learn skills to take back to their churches that would liven things up. When they discovered that one of the women participating, Ruth, knew how to eat fire, they all wanted to know how to do it too. Since the only unscheduled time was 7:00 a.m. the next morning, after barely one cup of coffee, the women all gathered. As the workshop proceeded they chatted about their husbands. Most of the women had checked in by phone the night before. “Frank absolutely forbid me to eat fire. Can you hand me the fuel?” “Same with Ralph, he tole me to come home. Where are the matches?” Elizabeth concludes the story: “If Ralph and Frank have the sense God gave a graham cracker, they will be getting ready for a new woman to come that night. Once a woman learns she can eat fire before her second cup of coffee – well, things are gonna change.”
Chapter Twelve: Uppity Women Unite
If you decide to become more powerful in your life – the first people to feel your power will be close friends and family. Since these people matter to you, and their first reactions might be discouraging, you need a strategy to minimize everyone’s discomfort. Being powerful means you will be making new decisions about how you spend your time. Husband, children, and parents might have been more comfortable with the “Pick me up…What time?” or “Can you …Sure I can.” patterns. Household chores will be either re-allocated or left undone (you need a strategy for both). As you take more power there will be power struggles. Men can fight dirty (i.e. guilt and uproar) and kids are too young to understand your needs. There will be times when you are your only advocate.
Becoming powerful stops dead before it starts for women who are not prepared for the lifestyle implications and family dynamics that confront a women moving from low power to high power in her life. For many women, defaulting to what feels natural leads to a low power status. A shift to high power might feel unnatural, unfamiliar, and even dangerous. You may discover a hidden anger that borders on rage. It’s okay. There isn’t a woman alive who isn’t mad as hell about the way the world treats other women, children and scarce resources. Once you take action the anger subsides dramatically. Your real enemy is the anxiety that comes from taking a stand. This anxiety is directly related to a woman’s worst fear – the fear of ending up alone.
You are NOT alone. Women all over the world are stepping up to the responsibilities of power and taking control of their environments. Once you pass through the paper wall (it just looks like brick) you will find a delightful surprise. Lots of uppity women who laugh often, use their power wisely, still have well-adjusted kids and high heels in their closets. You will begin to recognize kindred spirits at charity luncheons, PTA meetings, business meetings, and play groups.
As you demonstrate how a woman’s power can be simultaneously fierce, playful, and nurturing, you will find more women and men converting to this new hybrid male/female definition of power that blends external and internal references. My favorite convert is my mom, who finally said, “you’ve been telling me for years that I know just as much as the people around me…I finally got it.” After years of second-guessing herself, keeping quiet in board meetings, and resenting stupid decisions made by others she’s now having more fun than ever before. My hope is that you too start having more fun out there. Powerlessness is no fun (and so unattractive, don’t you think?)
Chapter Three: Cassandra’s Curse of Foresight
Priam, King of Troy, was pious and looked upon his second wife as a gift from the gods. Hecuba seemed born for no other purpose but to give him children. Two boys, two girls and now twins. The twins were girls, certainly, but there would be more boys soon. He was sure of it. He took his beautiful wife Hecuba and the twins, Cassandra and Helenus to the temple of Apollo so he could demonstrate his gratitude. They laid the two babies beneath Apollo’s statue and stood back to say their prayers. Two golden snakes appeared as if from the open palms of Apollo’s statue. The adults watched in horror as the two S’s wound around the babies, coiling about them as if the smell and warmth of the babies’ bodies gave them pleasure. Hecuba gasped, but Priam held her still. The snakes were emissaries of Apollo. He believed the babies were not in danger, but being blessed. They watched as each snake sought out and then hovered over the babies’ eyes, ears, and nose long enough for the serpent’s Y shaped tongues to flicker, touch and tickle the infants. And then they were gone. Priam was confident this sign meant the children had been blessed with Apollo’s gift of foresight.
Cassandra’s mother Hecuba warned all of her girls how beauty was both dangerous and powerful. But it was Cassandra that she worried about the most. Cassandra’s golden curls framed pink cheeks and blue eyes that could hypnotize men. She often told her girls the story about beautiful Leda whose father had done everything to protect her beauty from the eyes of mortal and god alike. Still, Zeus disguised as a swan, enchanted Leda as she bathed in the river. Her minders saw no danger as they too were spellbound by the swan. Once Leda’s fingers reached out to smooth his white feathers she was lost in his spell. Leda bore Zeus twins born from one egg – Helen and Polydueces. Helen was even more beautiful than her mother, Leda. Hecuba told her daughters of the power of beauty. How Helen’s beauty had attracted so many suitors that even though only one Menelaus King of Sparta was chosen, all of her suitors had sworn an oath to protect Helen. When Hecuba told the story she could not have imagined how important Helen would become in Cassandra’s life.
When Cassandra’s brother Paris was born both Hecuba and her daughter Cassandra dreamed disturbing dreams. The dreams depicted Paris as a burning torch destroying her home of Troy. King Priam was sad but deliberate when he told his servant to take the boy to a mountain and leave him to die. The boy didn’t die but grew up as a shepherd until Zeus disrupted his peaceful existence and set him on a path back to Troy. Zeus used Paris to settle an argument that disturbed the gods. Several years before, some god “forgot” to invite Eris the goddess of discord to a wedding. As payback, Eris walked into the middle of the festivities, tossed a golden apple into the room and left. The apple read “for the fairest” and from moment, Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite had been waging a marginally civil cat fight that wreaked havoc on all of the gods and goddesses silly enough to take sides (most). Zeus had had enough and tapped Paris to decide which beauty deserved the apple.
Paris wasn’t stupid. He first extracted promises from all three – no revenge. They plied him with bribes. Hera offered him power. Athena offered him military might. But Aphrodite, the goddess of love, offered him…Helen. He chose Aphrodite. Soon enough Menelaus left his beautiful wife, Helen alone in Sparta. Paris timed visit his visit to Sparta accordingly, and with Aphrodite’s magic won Helen’s heart and brought her back with him to Troy.
Cassandra and her mother were horrified to see Paris arrive in Troy with Helen. It did not require special gifts of foresight to see that only disaster could become of this. Every Greek soldier who had sworn an oath and some who had not, but hated Troy for their own reasons, gathered their ships to rescue Helen (the face that launched a thousand ships). Helen’s half-sister Clymnestra sent her husband, Agamemnon. Agamemnon was the most powerful warrior of the time and naturally took the place as commander of the troops. His led the Greek troops directly to Troy and laid the city under siege. The Trojan War had begun.
The Trojan War was the backdrop for the rest of Cassandra’s life. The Greeks were superior in numbers but Troy was impenetrable. As the fighting continued, the god Apollo turned his lecherous eye to Cassandra. She was young and demure and so he feigned an interest in teaching her how to use her gifts of prophecy. His golden snakes had endowed her senses with the ability to prophesize but she lacked knowledge. Apollo spent hours teaching her how to dissolve into a trance so she could distill her sense of the future from outside distortions. She was not oblivious to his desire. His black curls and handsome face intrigued her, but she avoided his advances and studied diligently until her powers of prophecy and his impatience collided. Cassandra stopped dancing the flirtatious dance, and openly refused Apollo. She told him she had no desire to become another in a long list of Apollo’s concubines. He was furious. He looked at the lips he had so patiently waited to kiss and spit on them cursing her forever, “Your lips shall tell the future true, But no man nor woman shall believe you.”
Apollo left and the war waged on…and on. The Greeks sought help from the Amazons, from King Memnon of Ethiopia. All were unsuccessful. Agememnon became convinced part of his failure was because his boasting had angered the god Artemis and sent for his daughter Iphegenia (lying to her mother about a marriage) to sacrifice her life to Artemis as an apology. Still no success.
They even lured the well-protected Achilles into service. Achilles’ mother had gone to great effort to keep him safe. She dipped him in the river Styx protecting his entire body save his ankle where she held him. She then dressed him like a girl and hid him on an island. But warriors are warriors. The Greeks traveled to the island where Achilles was hiding out. Achilles was too well disguised so they laid a table before the “girls” with precious jewels, jewelry, fine swords and shields. Achilles couldn’t help himself. As the girls went for the jewels, Achilles grabbed the weapons and gave himself away. He was quickly spirited away to fight with the Greeks. Agamemnon continued to lead the troops and found Achilles’ eager to learn the arts of war.
Cassandra’s frequent outbursts of prophecy were at first welcomed by her father King Priam. He often told the story of her birth and how Apollo’s serpents had “kissed” her nose mouth and ears with the gift or prophecy. As her gifts improved, she saw more clearly.
She told her father how she has seen her brother, Hector dressed in Achilles armor at his death. She was trying to warn him of Hector’s death, but all Hector and her father heard was that Hector would wear Achille’s armor. Hector was already showing promise as a soldier. His confidence was boosted by her prophecy. Both he and his father were sure that her words meant he would slay Achilles. They heard what they wanted to hear and disregarded Cassandra’s pleading. The next week, Achilles sent his emissary Patroclus (dressed in Achilles armor) to fight Hector. Hector killed Patroclus and took Achilles armor. Achilles was furious – he had loved Patroclus like a brother. Achilles commissioned the blacksmith god Hephaestus to make him a new set of armor more powerful than his last. With this new armor he single-mindedly fought until his foot rested upon Hector’s dead body. Cassandra was inconsolable. She loved her brother and she knew that Achilles was not finished with him.
Achilles organized funeral games to celebrate Hector’s death. Captured Trojan soldiers were used as prey for hunting and war games. The dead were piled in the center and Achilles rode his chariot around the ring with Hector’s body tied behind it. Once they were through, Priam retrieved his son, Hector’s body by giving Achilles an enormous ransom. Cassandra wept at her brother’s funeral. She did not notice her father’s accusing eye. Had her prophecy been more accurate – his memory was twisted – this tragedy might have been avoided. Her father recalled not her words, but his interpretation of her words. Soon the pain of her brother’s death and her inability to stop it, was joined by a new pain. She detected a growing contempt in her father’s eyes. No amount of tears or begging could soften his heart. He blamed her. He shut her away and placed a keeper at her door. She languished there for years. No one listened to her warnings. Being locked in a cell actually was no more isolating than the loneliness she had felt surrounded by family who considered her crazy or worse, evil.
King Priam sent Paris to revenge Hector’s death. Paris killed Achilles, but was killed himself soon after. The war waged on. Death after death. The Greeks stole Athena’s statue from her temple in Troy, hoping to steal her affections in the process, but it was to no avail. It was only after years of failure that the Greeks conceived of the clever plan that would destroy Troy. They would offer an enormous gift to Athena’s temple, convince the Trojans they had surrendered and then destroy them when their guard was down. As they conceived of the wicked plan, Cassandra could see each evolving detail in her dreams.
The horrors she saw in her visions revived Cassandra’s beaten spirit. She clamored for her father’s attention. She screamed and cried of the death of thousands. Her pleas only embarrassed her father. He forbid her emissaries to disturb his war council again. They were winning. Couldn’t she “see” the obvious? The ships had retreated and the Greeks were offering a gift of dedication to Athena. Her warnings were simply negative thinking.
Sure enough, all but one of the Greek ships had left. Trojan lookouts reported the retreat. Once the Trojans were convinced of their retreat, the Greeks produced their gift for Athena’s temple. An enormous horse dedicated to the goddess of war. The horse was a symbol of the Greeks bending to Athena’s obvious preference for Troy by blessing Troy with military success rather than the Greeks. King Priam and his counselors met to consider the gift. They never discussed” if” they should accept the gift because they were arguing over “how” to accept it. It was too large to fit inside the city gates. They would have to dismantle part of the walls to bring the horse in. They spent hours on logistics interspersed with moments of hubris, discussing the enormity of the gift, the humility of the Greeks, and their pleasure at finally shaming the pompous Greeks.
Cassandra’s cries from her room finally brought the attention of her mother. She wept as she told her mother the terrible fate of Troy, the rape and torture of the women, the killing of men and boys alike. Hecuba tried to soothe her as if she were still a child awakened from a nightmare. She stroked her hair and explained that their fate was in the hands of men who loved them and she should trust their wisdom. Cassandra’s sobs finally receded with the sober realization that she was helpless to warn them. Apollo’s curse was unbreakable. Cassandra stopped crying and a new dignity straightened her back at the same time it saddened her eyes. Her beauty took on a terrible luster that was as frightening as it was attractive. She moved with a graceful deliberation and her blue eyes rarely blinked.
King Priam and his war council turned their attention to celebrating their win and receiving their gift. They ordered soldiers to deconstruct the walls around the gate and widen the opening. As soon as they began, an old man named Laocoon dashed about the site railing at the soldiers to stop, and putting stones back as soon as the soldiers removed them. At first no one listened, but after a while the soldiers begged their superiors to rethink this action. Cassandra’s hopes stirred when she heard that Laocoon had been called to speak to the council. He stood before the generals and pled “Beware of Greeks bearing gifts – things are not as they seem. This enormous bounty is not without cost. Do not let your egos blind your eyes.’ But even as he began to capture the attention of the crowd, a giant sea monster appeared and swallowed him whole, silencing him forever. The council considered the sea monster evidence of his lies, and told the soldiers to resume their task.
When the walls were open wide enough to receive the gift horse, the Greeks made a great show of their “surrender” to Athena’s will. They brought gifts of food and wine to add to the celebration already in process in Troy. That night every soldier slept with a full belly and a sleep deepened by the comfort of wine. It was a sleep from which they would never awaken. The Greek ships that had retreated only so far as the island of Tenedos arrived back at the shore at midnight. Soldiers hidden away inside the giant horse, let themselves out, tiptoed around the drunken bodies and unlocked all doors to speed the Greek’s progress. By dawn all male Trojans were dead. The screams of the women over their dead husbands, sons, and brothers were only a precursor to the screams that followed as they were raped and tortured.
Cassandra had heard those screams for several years now. Her tears had been shed and she had moved beyond the contortions of grief. That night she hid alone in Athena’s temple. Even her mother had tired of her doomsday warnings and refused to accompany her. Cassandra was one of the last women taken in to captivity. She was chained next to her mother Hecuba, Hector’s widow Andromach, and Helen who was to be returned to her husband Menelaus. The women did not speak, their thoughts, rapprochements, and accusations irrelevant.
The women were spoils of war. Agamemnon, as the most resilient and powerful among the Greeks had his pick. He chose the hauntingly beautiful Cassandra. She was still a virgin and prized even more for her refusal of Apollo. He found her very satisfying and rather enjoyed the long journey back to Sparta to return Helen. He did not rush home to Argos where Clymnestra his wife was supposed to be waiting patiently for her husband. By they time they finally arrived Cassandra had born Agamemnon twin sons and Clymnestra was less than patient to get her hands on her husband.
Ten years is a long time. Clymnestra had been plotting revenge from the moment she discovered that rather than marrying her daughter off, her husband had sacrificed Iphegenia to Artemis in hopes of military favors. She hated him. Her lover, Aegisthus’ hate equaled her own. Agamemnon’s father had forced his brother to eat the flesh of his children. Both thirsty for blood, Clymnestra and Aegisthus’ lovemaking had been heightened for years by midnight fantasies of revenge. By the time Agamemnon returned the lovers had planned every detail of his murder. Cassandra saw it all. She had long hated her gift of foresight but the knowledge that her suffering would soon end brought her peace.
Agamemnon was received with much fanfare. Twenty manservants fed him and his troops until one by one they began to wander home. As Agamemnon tired, Clynmestra brought him her gift of a beautiful gilded robe and ceremonially dressed him in the robe and tied it securely at the front. By the time he realized there were no openings for his hands it was too late. The twenty manservants, Aegisthus, and Clynmestra murdered him and his remaining soldiers. Cassandra sitting with the other slaves was the only one whose pulse did not quicken during the slaughter. When Cymnestra turned her sword to Cassandra and plunged it deep into her heart, her rage was momentarily broken by the peaceful silence, even gratitude with which Cassandra met her death. It was finally over, Cassandra foresight would never again burden her with the hopeless responsibility of saving others from themselves. She could rest now.
Chapter Four: What Women SEE that Men Don’t
There exist in the same human being varying perceptions of one and the same object which differ so completely from each other that one can only deduce the existence of different subjects in the same human being - Franz Kafka
As women, we may have been “blessed” with a gift as terrible as Cassandra’s foresight. Like Cassandra, we see future problems that demand immediate action but few males seem to agree that they see things the same way. We are deeply worried about our children’s future, the threats of war, and assaults on the environment, but the men in charge don’t seem to listen. They tell us we don’t understand the true nature of the problem or that our solutions are unrealistic. We either sulk or proceed to irritate the hell out of them by talking about things they don’t consider important, viable, or accessible. Their response is to shut us out, meet secretly or convince us we are imagining things.
Sometimes it feels as if the entire male power structure systematically belittles and/or ignores women’s opinions and concerns. It happens all the time at work. A group of male executives decide to implement a conservative dress code via an email memo, ignoring the female exec’s admonition, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Then, they act surprised when the Gen-Xers show up in T-shirts and cut-offs in protest. When her comment was characterized as “negative,” she let it go. She’s not stupid. She knows what happens to uppity females who are right too often.
It is easy to hold a conspiracy theory about men. The ‘bastards” are ignoring us on purpose, right? Nope… I don’t think so. Some do, sure, but we make a critical error when we assume men consciously choose to ignore women’s concerns. It is less likely that men are refusing to see and more likely that they simply see a big blank on the wall where we see handwriting. If that is true and we have been pointing at big scary monsters that only we can see, then no wonder men treat women like we are “not quite right.” New research may indicate that men really don’t see what women see because they can’t see it. As one brain researcher puts it, this selective vision has the effect of “giving men the luxury of ignoring” circumstances and consequences that we, as women, simply cannot ignore. At a recent dinner party, one male guest told me, “Absolutely! That’s what gives men the ability to focus. I’d hate to be a woman! You guys (sic) see too much. It must be like being hooked up to the internet 24/7. All of that constant incoming data just keeps you confused.”
What a human ultimately thinks he or she sees occurs after several subtraction routines performed by our helpful brains protecting us from overload. Most of the raw data coming in from our eyes, ears, nose, mouth and skin ends up on the cutting room floor before we make a conscious choice to ignore anything. Our brains decide what deserves our attention. This filtering capacity is ordinarily quite useful. Once your brain has determined that you are sitting in your living room you don’t need to keep checking that the furniture is still there and you can turn your attention to the words in your book. Once the brain gets a read on the “important stuff” (however the brain defines “important”) only a distinct change will generate attention. If the curtains are billowing softly as you are reading, they fade into the background. If an approaching storm causes the wind to pick up speed, then you notice them again.
While men’s and women’s primary sensory equipment – our eyes and ears – seems to work about the same, the first difference between men and women occurs because of where we point our eyes and ears. We hunt for new data according to differing male and female definitions of what is “important.” If the football game is the most important thing going on, you miss the angry whispered conversation over by the corn chips. Emotional cues about hurt feelings or romantic interest both seem to be less important to many men than win/lose games and action play. In the same room a man and a woman turn their attention in different directions and so naturally collect different information at the first level of perception.
At the second level -- even if our attention was turned in the same direction –we have different processing routines. Even when our eyes deliver the same raw data to the brain subsequent interpretations create different experiences for males and females. Just as raw steel can turn into a sports car or a luxury car, the same board room may appear as a land of opportunity or a nest of vipers – depending on what you scan for, how you interpret signals, and what your personal preferences guide you to value.
Which leads us to the third difference between us – the physiological differences between men and women create dissimilar internal payoffs that fuel the pursuit of different outcomes. Our pleasures, desires, and fears have embedded different patterns of thinking. If the deacons’ meeting is primarily men, odds are that a surplus of funds will begin talk of new construction project rather than social services. Men seem to get a lot of satisfaction from physical evidence of their efforts. And they’ve loved big yellow Tonka toys since they were two. Little girls on the other hand tended to love stories of Florence Nightingale and will feel more satisfaction from healing rather than housing.
All of these differences in the ways men and women see and process information combine to create fundamentally different worlds for men and women – as different as Mars and Venus. Our love affair with the theory that social conditioning was responsible for all differences between women and men is over. That dog won’t hunt. However reluctantly, we must review the evidence that there are biological differences between men and women. Like adolescents emerging from massive case of sibling rivalry, men and women now have the opportunity to turn a mature eye to our differences without the “mine is better than yours” distractions. This chapter reviews the some of the new scientific research, blends it with women’s personal experiences and tries to make some sense of how these differences have created false assumptions about ourselves, and about men’s intentions that operate against us when we want more power.
It’s all about SEX
Male and female bodies are more similar than different. We have two arms, two legs, two kidneys, one heart, one liver, one head and otherwise very similar anatomy. The differences between men and women’s bodies percentage-wise is small – and at the same time, huge in determining an individual’s capacity to create new life. Men and women have different equipment designed to do different – albeit complementary – functions. Both are essential. This may also be true in other survival-based differences.
Our brains seem to mimic this style of physiological specialization. For the most part male and female brains are the same, however small variances in male and female survival behaviors may have larger impacts on how the brain functions in certain situations. With each new research report that reveals another gender-based difference, an intriguing theme is developing. In some cases, males and females seem designed to interpret the same situations differently.* Our brains may look for different clues and offer different strategies depending on our sex. These distinct input gathering, sorting, and interpreting routines may not be so arbitrarily distributed if viewed through the lens of male and female as a complementary survival team. Both are essential for the survival of our species.
The brain is an organ with a purpose: it is a central processing unit that receives sensory input, processes it by selecting relevant input and ignoring irrelevant input (a judgment call) and chooses an appropriate response (another judgment call) for survival of the organism and the species. When a situation pits the survival of the organism against the survival of the species it is not always the organism that wins. Trout traveling upstream to mate and die are one example of nature choosing the group over the individual. It is possible that female and male humans may have been programmed by nature with marginally different responses to individual vs. group survival dilemmas.
Incoming information about smell/taste, vision, sound, and movement/touch arrive at sense specific parts of the brain as raw data. Raw data like “green, oval, veined, attached to brown stem” is translated so quickly in the category “leaf” that we rarely consider this level of perception as a processing routine, but it is. Broad general categories matching like with like, allow us to know a “leaf” by its “leaf-ness” since technically oak, elm, or rose leaves are distinctly different. But like with like is a judgment call. A botanist might rail against such generalizations – a rose leaf is nothing like an oak leaf. Just as a women rail against men’s generalizations: these two dresses look nothing alike, and men rail against women’s: playing golf every Saturday does not mean I don’t love you. These “it’s the same thing” “it’s not the same thing” arguments have been going on since humans first started discussing choices. |
E-mail this story